Sometimes it's not easy
It’s very difficult to write about what I have been experiencing for the past couple of years but I need you to understand. I need you to understand why I am so afraid to open up and can't seem to let down the wall I've worked so long to put up. I need you to understand why I seem to be such a happy girl but when certain things are brought up, I visibly cringe and I excuse myself from the situation as fast as I can. I need you to understand why I’ll never be good enough for anyone.
I’m broken and it’s toxic. I’ve picked up the pieces but I didn’t really do a good job putting them back together. I’m not myself anymore. I wish I had met you sooner. When I was this carefree girl who had nothing in her heart and mind but good thoughts and dreams bigger than anyone else’s you can think of. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so afraid. Now, this is me. What’s left of me. Enjoying the beauties of the world. Someone whose smile can light up a whole town! I can you know.. up until one of my attacks come again.
It happens faster than saying the words, 'leave me be.' My heart starts beating faster. All of sudden, I’m nervous about something.. about everything. A flashback of everything bad that's ever happened to me suddenly plays in my head and there’s nothing I can do to distract myself from it. Trust me I tried. Suddenly, I feel helpless. I feel alone. No matter how much I try to convince myself that there are people around me who cares, the demons are saying they don’t and that they will all leave me in the end. Then I start to panic. If it happens when I’m around someone, I usually run and hide. But that’s rare. It always happens when I’m alone, when no one can see me suffer. I mean I can’t do that to them. I can’t leave them there dumbfounded, confused, and unsure of how to help me. It will break my heart even more. So I run as fast as I can where I am isolated from the world. And I do what I always do when it happens. I cry. I cry like a lost child in the woods, uncertain of how long it would be until the tears stop falling. It’s happening more often now. The attacks.. they come and go.