SO MANY RULES

The art of dating. It’s nothing but a game nowadays. This is why labels make things extra complicated. It’s so carefree when there aren’t any titles hanging above our heads. I guess that’s why being in the honeymoon phase is so addicting. A lot of us are afraid of losing that thrill, that connection.

+ No cuddling.
+ No sleepovers. You can uber home.
+ No texting unless making arrangements.
+ Never use emojis.

The list goes on. Believe it because this really exists. Documented or not, people have a list of dos and don’ts in their minds on how they “think” would maintain a healthy no strings attached relationship. Quite frankly I think the list is just there so when things come crashing down you can say at least say you tried.

Here’s an advice: Try something different. Follow your heart instead of your stubborn mind. You wanna text him? Text him. You wanna call him? Do it! Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable. If that’s who you are, then flaunt it. Guys are not complicated beings. We assume that they are because they keep their composure better. We confuse the way they are able to portray themselves as mysterious when really they are just, most of the time, clueless.

Why don’t you go up to a guy and ask him, “What are you thinking about right now?” 5 out 10 would say, “Nothing.” Most girls would take this the wrong way and assume that he doesn’t want to open up. When he says nothing, he literally means nothing. Trust me. I’ve spent hours trying to figure this out. One of their super powers is knowing how to completely shut everything out resulting in a mind full of absolute nothingness.

Stop expecting so much from them. If they really want to, they’ll find a way. He’s not texting you? That’s because he doesn’t want to. Fine, maybe he’s busy. But a guy who really cares would make time to hit you up with a simple, “How was your day?” One common mistake we make is waiting for any sign that they’re thinking about us. Mostly we crave for their attention through text or social media. Please, just once, make him like my Facebook status. He saw my snap, yes he thought about me today. Seriously?

Honestly, some people make dating so complicated. I’ve always thought that when you like someone, it’s simple. It should be. We just make it so hard by allowing our pride to get the best of us. We set ourselves up for failure the moment we play our first card. Because then, it becomes nothing more than a game.

No matter how much you tell yourself that you’re cool with the situation, you really aren’t. So stop. Quit adding to your list and just enjoy his company. Stop overthinking because it’ll drive you nuts. It’s not a game. If you treat it like it is, win or lose, you’ll get hurt in the process. So much that it will consume you and bring down your self-worth. Isn’t that equivalent to losing? Maybe even worse.

Sometimes it's not easy

It’s very difficult to write about what I have been experiencing for the past couple of years but I need you to understand. I need you to understand why I am so afraid to open up and can't seem to let down the wall I've worked so long to put up. I need you to understand why I seem to be such a happy girl but when certain things are brought up, I visibly cringe and I excuse myself from the situation as fast as I can. I need you to understand why I’ll never be good enough for anyone.

I’m broken and it’s toxic. I’ve picked up the pieces but I didn’t really do a good job putting them back together. I’m not myself anymore. I wish I had met you sooner. When I was this carefree girl who had nothing in her heart and mind but good thoughts and dreams bigger than anyone else’s you can think of. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so afraid. Now, this is me. What’s left of me. Enjoying the beauties of the world. Someone whose smile can light up a whole town! I can you know.. up until one of my attacks come again.

It happens faster than saying the words, 'leave me be.' My heart starts beating faster. All of sudden, I’m nervous about something.. about everything. A flashback of everything bad that's ever happened to me suddenly plays in my head and there’s nothing I can do to distract myself from it. Trust me I tried. Suddenly, I feel helpless. I feel alone. No matter how much I try to convince myself that there are people around me who cares, the demons are saying they don’t and that they will all leave me in the end. Then I start to panic. If it happens when I’m around someone, I usually run and hide. But that’s rare. It always happens when I’m alone, when no one can see me suffer. I mean I can’t do that to them. I can’t leave them there dumbfounded, confused, and unsure of how to help me. It will break my heart even more. So I run as fast as I can where I am isolated from the world. And I do what I always do when it happens. I cry. I cry like a lost child in the woods, uncertain of how long it would be until the tears stop falling. It’s happening more often now. The attacks.. they come and go.